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SANTA JOSEPH

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"Meaningless sex outside of a relationship, other than with a nice big fat reindeer heiny, is really horrible and pathetic and lonely."
SANTA CLAUS

The SantaNic Verses

from StNickipedia

THE SANTANIC VERSES is Santa Claus Junior's first novel, first published in 2007 and inspired in part by the life of his father, Santa Claus Senior. The title refers to what are known as The SantaNic Verses; verses that the elf, Blinkin' was supposedly tricked into revealing as part of the original Toy Workshop and Rules for Reindeer Credo, written by Santa Claus, but later removed by ex-Australian Prime Minister, John 'Sleepy' Howard. The verses allow for pardon, forgiveness and apology to be made to the two rebellious and ostracised aboriginal reindeer: Olive and Howe.

To refresh your memories, the long forgotten tenth reindeer, Olive, who had been exploited by the pack, had received no official credit in the well-know reindeer songs. According to the fifth chapter of The SantaNic Verses, in the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa had only nine reindeer. "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That made eight. Then, of course, Rudolph, so that made nine.

But another reindeer named Olive was found in a Reindeer Nervous Hospital. The alcoholic and abusive Rudolph had secretly committed her, because, as he put it :

" Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call me names..."

Then, recently, in a shocking revelation, an eleventh gay male reindeer, named Howe, was spotted, trying to mount Rudolph.:

"Then Howe, the reindeer, loved him..."

The transcripts and testimonies of Olive and Howe in The SantaNic Verses is based on the accounts of the Arctic historians al-Fraztbite and al-Frazentoe.

In the Elf community, however, The SantaNic Verses caused great controversy for what many Elves believed were blasphemous animal husbandry references. As the controversy spread, the book was banned in the North Pole and burned in demonstrations in Canberra, Australia. In mid-February, following a violent riot against the book in Ice Village, the Chief Reindeer Handler, Don Giuseppe Dolce, Supreme Capo di Tutti Capos of the strongest organized elf crime family in the North Pole, La Punta Nera - The Black Toe - issued a FATwa-fanculo calling on all good Elves to set fire to Santa and his reindeer cronies on sight, or to point him out to those naughty children who can set fire to him if he got his fat ass stuck in their chimneys.

Following the FATwa-fanculo, Santa was granted Special Elf protection by the Australian Grand Wazzoo Elf John Howard government in an internment camp near Darwin. Despite a conciliatory statement by Don Giuseppe Dolce , and Santa's declaration that he would reinstate both Olive and Howe to full reindeer status, with extra feed-muzzle benefits, the North Pole's main broadsheet, The Hairy Elf Biker Daily, reported yesterday that the FATwa-fanculo will remain in place permanently, or until Santa can fit into a size 10 Santa Suit.

As of late 2007 Santa himself has not been physically harmed, but others connected with The SantaNic Verses have suffered misfortune. Rupert P Mibalzicold, the Aussie publisher, was snowballed to death on a skiing trip to Mount Buller; Barnsy Chiseldick, the Mayor of Toytown, choked to death when he swallowed a microphone during one of his well-known screams, and Sven Ubye Ikea, an ice cream vendor in Norway, was found hanging on a reindeer hook in a butcher's freezer near Oslo.

PLOT SUMMARY

The SantaNic Verses consists of a sledframe narrative, using elements of icy pole realism, interlaced with a series of sub-zero-plots that are narrated as hypothermia visions experienced by one of the frostbit protagonists. The sledframe narrative, like many other stories about Santa, involves elf expatriates in contemporary Arctic scenarios. The two animal protagonists, Olive and Howe, are both portrayed as aboriginal reindeer, which helped the novel qualify for a series of Australia Council grants.

At the beginning of The SantaNic Verses, both reindeer are trapped in a hijacked sled during a toy delivery from the North Pole to Adelaide. The sled explodes over the Murray River, but the two reindeer are magically saved. In a miraculous transformation, Olive takes on the personality of one of the seven dwarfs, Pauline Hanson, and Howe that of a Talking Seal at Seaworld. Olive's transformation can be read on a realistic level as the symptom of the protagonist's developing BiPolar identity disorder (boom boom).

Both reindeer struggle to piece their broken lives back together. Olive seeks and finds her lost love, the fictionalized Australian peace activist, Ivan Milat, but their relationship is overshadowed by his mental illness and proclivity for chewing on her leg while she is asleep. Howe, having miraculously attained human shape, seeks revenge on Santa for having forsaken him after his fall from the hijacked sled. He does so by fostering Olive's pathological obsession with her oversized reindeer backside. Or as Santa Claus himself wrote in The SantaNic Verses:

"Leave no reindeer behind." (boom boom.)

Both animals later return to the North Pole. Olive attempts suicide by an overdose of de-worming tablets. Howe, finds reconciliation with his estranged aboriginal donkey father, George W. Snowbush.

Embedded in this story is a series of half-frozen hallucinations, ascribed to the disturbed mind of Don Giuseppe Dolce. They are linked together by many thematic details as well as by the common motifs of reindeer salami salmonella poisoning, the Heimlich Technique applied to choking on baccala bones, and Don Giuseppe's obsessive 'Shaddap You Face' fanaticism.

PULP FICTION SANTA
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My Personal Christmas Carol Selection

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THE MUSIC

Here's a musical collage I recommend:

1. When you arrived at the Santa Joseph Website.
the 'Groucho-Twilight Zone Music' automatically starts.

2. Click on the Italian version of 'Shaddap You Face (Ali Ali Ale'. That will begin in a separate Real Player window. (The first loop will stop temporarily.)

3. Then go back to the first page and up at the very top of the page, click the '12 Tone Schoenberg' link that will take you to page 2. Click on the music link there and that will download as an .mp3 and begin playing as well.

Listen to the beauty of those two ideas for awhile. In fact, those two together are fabulous!

4. Then back space to the front page and the 'Groucho-Twilight Zone Music' will start again.

You'll have all three loops playing at the same time. Music to blow your brains out or smoke an old roach by.

(RealPlayer streaming)

1. The Twelve Days of Christmas (Italian Style)

(This song comes from the long deleted 'Christmas in Australia' LP. I particularly liked this track however due mainly to the fun performing it and also the great string quartet arrangement by my friend, Chris Dedrick, Canadian composer and choral master.

SPECIAL BONUS TREAT !!

2. Ali Ali Ale (Italian Language Version of 'Shaddap You Face')

(This is the rare, unavailable anywhere but Italy, cover version of my song 'Shaddap You Face' recorded by two of Italy's most beloved actors, comics and entertainers, Franchi and Ingrassia - note: They have made over 100 movies! - It is my favourite cover version of all time.)

3. Get Thee Behind Me, Santa

(A home demo of my latest contribution to Christmasology.)

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MERRY XMAS!

dolcej@yahoo.com

Joe Dolce Website