The SantaNic Verses
THE SANTANIC VERSES is Santa Claus Junior's first novel, first published in 2007 and inspired in part by the life of his
father, Santa Claus Senior. The title refers to what are known as The SantaNic Verses; verses that the elf, Blinkin' was supposedly
tricked into revealing as part of the original Toy Workshop and Rules for Reindeer Credo, written by Santa Claus, but later
removed by ex-Australian Prime Minister, John 'Sleepy' Howard. The verses allow for pardon, forgiveness and apology to be
made to the two rebellious and ostracised aboriginal reindeer: Olive and Howe.
To refresh your memories, the long forgotten tenth reindeer, Olive, who had been exploited by the pack, had received
no official credit in the well-know reindeer songs. According to the fifth chapter of The SantaNic Verses, in the song, "Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa had only nine reindeer. "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet
and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That made eight. Then, of course, Rudolph, so that made nine.
But another reindeer named Olive was found in a Reindeer Nervous Hospital. The alcoholic and abusive Rudolph had secretly
committed her, because, as he put it :
" Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call me names..."
Then, recently, in a shocking revelation, an eleventh gay male reindeer, named Howe, was spotted, trying to mount Rudolph.:
"Then Howe, the reindeer, loved him..."
The transcripts and testimonies of Olive and Howe in The SantaNic Verses is based on the accounts of the Arctic historians
al-Fraztbite and al-Frazentoe.
In the Elf community, however, The SantaNic Verses caused great controversy for what many Elves believed were blasphemous
animal husbandry references. As the controversy spread, the book was banned in the North Pole and burned in demonstrations
in Canberra, Australia. In mid-February, following a violent riot against the book in Ice Village, the Chief Reindeer Handler,
Don Giuseppe Dolce, Supreme Capo di Tutti Capos of the strongest organized elf crime family in the North Pole, La Punta Nera
- The Black Toe - issued a FATwa-fanculo calling on all good Elves to set fire to Santa and his reindeer cronies on sight,
or to point him out to those naughty children who can set fire to him if he got his fat ass stuck in their chimneys.
Following the FATwa-fanculo, Santa was granted Special Elf protection by the Australian Grand Wazzoo Elf John Howard government
in an internment camp near Darwin. Despite a conciliatory statement by Don Giuseppe Dolce , and Santa's declaration that he
would reinstate both Olive and Howe to full reindeer status, with extra feed-muzzle benefits, the North Pole's main broadsheet,
The Hairy Elf Biker Daily, reported yesterday that the FATwa-fanculo will remain in place permanently, or until Santa can
fit into a size 10 Santa Suit.
As of late 2007 Santa himself has not been physically harmed, but others connected with The SantaNic Verses have suffered
misfortune. Rupert P Mibalzicold, the Aussie publisher, was snowballed to death on a skiing trip to Mount Buller; Barnsy Chiseldick,
the Mayor of Toytown, choked to death when he swallowed a microphone during one of his well-known screams, and Sven Ubye Ikea,
an ice cream vendor in Norway, was found hanging on a reindeer hook in a butcher's freezer near Oslo.
The SantaNic Verses consists of a sledframe narrative, using elements of icy pole realism, interlaced with a series of
sub-zero-plots that are narrated as hypothermia visions experienced by one of the frostbit protagonists. The sledframe narrative,
like many other stories about Santa, involves elf expatriates in contemporary Arctic scenarios. The two animal protagonists,
Olive and Howe, are both portrayed as aboriginal reindeer, which helped the novel qualify for a series of Australia Council
At the beginning of The SantaNic Verses, both reindeer are trapped in a hijacked sled during a toy delivery from the North
Pole to Adelaide. The sled explodes over the Murray River, but the two reindeer are magically saved. In a miraculous transformation,
Olive takes on the personality of one of the seven dwarfs, Pauline Hanson, and Howe that of a Talking Seal at Seaworld. Olive's
transformation can be read on a realistic level as the symptom of the protagonist's developing BiPolar identity disorder (boom
Both reindeer struggle to piece their broken lives back together. Olive seeks and finds her lost love, the fictionalized
Australian peace activist, Ivan Milat, but their relationship is overshadowed by his mental illness and proclivity for chewing
on her leg while she is asleep. Howe, having miraculously attained human shape, seeks revenge on Santa for having forsaken
him after his fall from the hijacked sled. He does so by fostering Olive's pathological obsession with her oversized reindeer
backside. Or as Santa Claus himself wrote in The SantaNic Verses:
"Leave no reindeer behind." (boom boom.)
Both animals later return to the North Pole. Olive attempts suicide by an overdose of de-worming tablets. Howe, finds
reconciliation with his estranged aboriginal donkey father, George W. Snowbush.
Embedded in this story is a series of half-frozen hallucinations, ascribed to the disturbed mind of Don Giuseppe Dolce.
They are linked together by many thematic details as well as by the common motifs of reindeer salami salmonella poisoning,
the Heimlich Technique applied to choking on baccala bones, and Don Giuseppe's obsessive 'Shaddap You Face' fanaticism.